The Game by Any other Name is still…..The Game

blue heart

Originally this post was going to be about the back and forth game that we singles play in this dating circle.  I was going to compare the two species and our different techniques to attract and conquer the opposite sex.  I got about half way through my blog when I realized that I really don’t have a clue!

Recently my daughter and I spent the weekend together and we were talking about our dating experiences.  Now she had some great analogies and stories about dating in your twenties.  That’s the time when the game is really at its peak isn’t it?  The boys are all strutting around showing their masculinity with their wallets and their game talk while the girls are fluffing their peacock feathers done up to the nines, with make-up, short skirts and stilettos.  Each of them doing the dance with the hopes of attracting a partner, even for a night.  For the boys it’s a high five story they can tell over breakfast and for the girls it’s usually a morning “why did I do that” cry with the bestie.  Only to repeat it all again the next weekend.

It’s a tradition that young singles have been doing forever and it’s one that will continue as long as there are people on this earth.

Those boys I could talk about all day long.  I get their game, I understand their strategy.  It’s the over 40 men that have me stumped!

For example:

How the heck can you be 45, I be 41 and I am too old for you??? I recently saw a profile on a dating site of a guy who I thought was quite attractive, shared some of my same interests and lived close by.  I decided to send him a quick message to let him know I was interested in getting to know him more.  I drafted the message, hit send and was immediately greeted with a “We’re sorry but you cannot message this profile as you do not meet their age requirements”.  Uh what? Casanova actually had his age requirements set at 25 – 35 year old females only!  Wow.  Whatever, I will just take my walker and leave then.

How about the over 40 guy who “says” he wants an independent woman who can be his partner and equal in life?  This guy comes with baggage of past experiences where he was clearly taken advantage of and doesn’t want to make the same mistake twice.  So you come to the table with your independence, strength and your own ideas.  You spend time showing him that you are his equal in every way and for a short while it seems to be going well until you discover what he actually really wants is the exact thing he said he didn’t want.  All this one leaves you with is an empty wallet and a headache.

Finally, the mama’s boy.  This one could come to you as either a divorcee or a never been married version and they don’t have to be younger than you to have this condition.  Oh no!  They can be over 40 and carry with them some major momma issues.  This one looks good on the outside. Handsome, good job and great friends.  He fulfills your checklist.  Then you start to date him. Before you know it, you are picking out his clothes, monitoring his calorie intake and scolding him for not brushing his teeth!  And he likes it!  No thanks.  A 200lb baby is not on my bucket list.

So, are there men out there over 40 who are really looking for a partner and a friend to share life’s experiences with?  I’m sure there are but for this explorer I have yet to find that lost city of Manlantis.  However, I will continue to forge ahead ladies and let you know when I find him.  Oh and of course, I will see if he has any single friends!


“Check Please”

This is a blog I recently wrote for my girls at Sex and The Suburb.  Check them out at




Ah yes. That moment on the date where the tension and awkwardness comes as unwanted guests to crash your party. Out of the corner of your eye you see the waiter approaching your table with that little white piece of paper. The bill.

Here is where the trouble begins. What is the right thing to do?

In today’s dating world, sometimes the traditional rules apply and sometimes they don’t. It’s all so confusing. In times like this, having an official First Date Rule book would be a handy thing to whip out of your purse and refer to Rule 10 Section 12 Subsection A – Paying for Dinners. But alas, life just isn’t that fair. Instead we are forced to sit there awkwardly and look desperately across the table for our date to save us by quickly scooping up the bill and allowing us to breath a long sigh of relief.

Now I am not against paying for my portion of a date but is this something that should be discussed and finalized prior to the commencement of the date? This minor detail can actually be quite stressful! If the guy asks me out for dinner I have to admit that I assume he is paying. Is that wrong?

Is there a clever “maneuver” we can do that can save us from the torture? I am not endorsing any of the following suggestions and I won’t admit to doing any of them but hey, you might find them useful:

1. Do the fake grab for the wallet to “pretend” to go for the cash and hope to god he stops you before it’s too late!

2. Having the bill trigger a much needed bathroom break. A quick escape for you to go and wash your hands, fix your make-up or stare at yourself in the mirror wasting just enough time so when you get back to the table the transaction has already been rectified and you can sit down and enjoy the rest of your evening.

3. The proactive approach. As soon as the bill comes rip off the band-aid and say something like “Thank you so much for dinner”! This is a gutsy move but could produce an immediate result.

The men that I have talked to about this say that they don’t mind paying for a first date but want the girl to at least offer. Why? If you ask the girl out for dinner, a movie or anything else that requires a monetary commitment, are you not also taking that monetary responsibility on? If I was to ask a guy out I would assume as much.

It’s those weird mutual “Hey let’s do something” moments where you both agree you want to get together and you both agree to a place and an event. Those are the times where the paying rules may get blurry. However, my rule for this one is I come fully prepared to pay my share and actually go all the way for the wallet for this date.

How do you handle the first date bill? Girls, do you have any tricks you use to get out of that awkward moment? Guys, do you actually want the girl to pay or at least offer?

Relationships after Divorce – To Jump or Not to Jump. Hmmmm


Went through all stages of grief….twice!    Check

Made sure kids were all good with mom moving on      Check

Finalized Divorce      Check

Emotionally prepared myself for dating     Check

Went on a few feeler dates to get back in the game    Check

So with the checklist all complete and really feeling like I am ready to move on and seek out a new love, why then do I look at the possibility and say….”Meh”

What does that mean?

I know I’m ready but maybe the problem is I’m not willing.  Willing to give up my new found independence and freedom.  Willing to compromise on doing what I want to do when I want to do it?

Advice comes from all angles. From my married friends, my single friends, my divorced friends and yes of course, from my mother.  Yeah Yeah mom I know!

“Stay single forever” some say.  “You would be happier in a relationship” others say.

Yes, there is definitely a part of me that misses having someone to share my experiences with and be there for me when I need support but come on ladies.  How many women out there in a relationship right now can check “Emotionally supportive” off as one of their partners list of qualities?  Very few I’m sure.  And isn’t that one of the biggest problems we all face once the relationship has settled in to being a habit?  “He never listens to me”.  “He’s not there for me emotionally”.

I think after being in a relationship that spanned almost 20 years, there is nothing new for me to experience.  I went through all the “firsts” with him. I feel like I already ran the marathon, got my participation ribbon and proved to myself I could do it.  I don’t feel like going back to the starting line and running the same race again.  My feet are TIRED!

So.  Where does that leave me?  Am I bitter?  No I’m not.  I love men.  I have some great men in my life who make me feel beautiful, strong and worthwhile.  I just don’t know if I want another ribbon.

Maybe if I find the right pair of shoes it won’t feel like a marathon.  Maybe it will be a nice comfortable jog  (Ok. Did I go too far with the whole “running” comparison?)

What do you think?  Have you been around the track more than once? (Seriously, I will stop now!)