I thought I would apply the “Go hard or go home” philosophy to my first post marriage date. 3 guys, 3 nights. Yes. This was a good idea….or so I thought.
Bachelor #1 was a mortgage broker. His profile and pics were intriguing. We shared some similar interests and had some good ha ha moments over texts, phone calls and instant chats. I was excited but nervous. This was my first real date in over 17 years. I made the decision to go for coffee instead of dinner just in case I wanted to make a quick escape.
I read and reread his profile and came up with some good questions that would help me learn more about him. I was prepared. His profile said he was 5′ 10″ so I knew I would be safe wearing heels. I’m 5’5″ and my heels made me 5’7″. I got ready and took one last look at my choices before I headed out on my new adventure.
I arrived at Starbucks first. I got my coffee and found a nice table outside. Eagerly awaiting his arrival, my stomach fluttered as I saw him approaching around the corner. My first thought? Liar! I think Mr. Mortgage Broker added a 0 to his height! As I stood up to greet him I knew I was in trouble. At full height with my heels I had to almost crouch over to give him a hug. Sigh
I won’t go in to all the details about our encounter because there just clearly isn’t enough space on this blog but let’s just say that I knew about 5 minutes in that this was NOT the guy for me. He definitely needed someone who admired him as much as he admired himself. Too short, too conceited and WAY too self absorbed. The final straw for Mr. Mortgage Broker was after our dinner. Yes, I know I said I didn’t want to do dinner but he was hungry and asked if we could go for sushi just down the street. I guess I was a little hungry so I agreed. He proceeded to order almost everything on the menu and alcohol. I had two items and a diet coke. When the bill came he takes the bill and says “So I guess we can just split it”? Uh what?? The bill was over $40 and my portion was $7! No Mr Cheapo we are not going to split the bill! Bachelor #1 date? FAIL!
Bachelor #2 was from Scotland and worked in construction. This time I went even more casual. I arranged to meet him at the dog park. As I saw him walking towards me I was definitely impressed. Tall, dressed well and very handsome. Finally! This was going to be good. I think I was already planning our second and third date as I watched him walking towards me.
We found a bench to sit on as my dog went off to find his friends and I was excited to get to know my possible new boyfriend. However as he opened his mouth I quickly longed for that happiness I felt as I saw him walking towards me.
If it was possible to contribute absolutely nothing of value to a conversation then Bachelor #2 had that down pat. The next 20 minutes consisted of extremely boring and bland conversation about absolutely nothing. What sealed Bachelor #2’s fate was when I found out his living situation. He lived in the same house as his ex. One lived in the basement suite and one lived in the apartment above the garage. Ok. I get that it works for the kids but he actually got quite defensive and angry when I asked if it would be awkward to see her bring any guy home. “Oh she will never date”! Oh my lord. He was NOT ready to be dating anyone other than his wife. Bachelor #2 date. FAIL!
Bachelor #3. All I can say about Bachelor #3 is Oh……My…….God! I cannot even go through the whole story. It was years of torment and torture wrapped up in to one day. So I am just going to bullet point the highlights….
- Forgot to inform me that he had a very large “67” tattoo’d on the back of his head! Apparently from his LA gang days.
- About 5 minutes after meeting me he said he couldn’t look me in the face because he was pretty sure he was falling in love with me.
- While at the dog park he said it reminded him of the prison yard! Another thing he forgot to mention was he spent 6 years in prison for manslaughter but it totally wasn’t his fault! The guy totally deserved to die!
- Mr Creepy was all hands all the time. I pretty much needed an all over scrub down after that day.
- When I just couldn’t stand it anymore I told him it was time to end the date. He walked me to my car and said “So I will call you later”? to which I replied “I’m sure I will talk to you again”. To which HE replied “No! We are going to talk every day right”? RUN! RUN! RUN!
- He wanted to give me a present to remember him by so as I was getting in to my car he was shuffling through his phone and presented me with what he said was a “preview of what’s to come” . Yes ladies, it was a picture of his penis!
- About 5 minutes after safely arriving at home, he calls to yell at me because he noticed I had not deleted my profile yet on the dating site. Safe in my house I let Bachelor #3 know that my face is a face he would never see again and to feel free to delete my number from his phone because I already did. Based on his reaction I was really happy he didn’t know where I lived because I’m pretty sure there would have been police involved.
- I then proceeded to shower the creepiness off my body and burn my clothes.
Disclaimer: You may be wondering if I embellished this story for dramatic effect but sadly it is all true.
So that was my initiation to dating post marriage. Looking back on it now clearly 3 dates in 3 days was not the best idea. Instead of just putting my toe in to feel the water I closed my eyes and jumped in. It was a cannonball of disaster.
What did I learn? I learned that there are rules for dating in this new world. Next up are my rules for dating after divorce. Stay tuned…